Now that the fall season has concluded, Potomac’s varsity football team is already preparing for future games to come–but with some much-appreciated reinforcement. Potomac’s coaches have been hiding a trick up their sleeves for next season: our twelve brand-new live panthers. 

While the importation of these ferocious carnivores straight from the boundless warehouses of Tim’s Beasts and Bureaus* may seem impractical and morally questionable, Potomac’s Twitter sponsorship revenue is projected to increase by 6473% as a result, which may allow Potomac to lower Panther Pit prices back to their pre-inflation levels. Additionally, the average stress levels of students are predicted to drop dramatically, proving once and for all that the increasing levels of student stress are due to a lack of jungle cats. 

We got an exclusive interview with Tim, the owner of Potomac’s exotic contractor of choice. When asked about the panthers’ adjustment to a school environment, he remarked, “I’m not at all concerned for the safety of the students, if that’s what you mean.” Clearly, this is a skilled and trustworthy man.

As a result of any and all future football domination, Potomac’s football budget will double, and everyone will sing the praises of the staff. Potomac also plans to bring in more (borderline) feral panthers to compete on Potomac’s basketball teams at Winterfest and beyond. This should be an exciting season for both types of Panthers! O4P!**

*Tim’s Beasts and Bureaus takes no legal or moral responsibility for any football competitors, staff, or fans consumed by any purchased animals or furniture

**Onward for Potomac!