The administration has done it again. Similar to last year’s new schedule and all of our innovative assemblies, the new cell phone policy is an astounding work of art. In past years, the school has been a dark place, devoid of any social interaction, but now that phones are banned for so much of the day, I’ve finally gotten to meet some of my classmates! It turns out that the Upper School has hundreds of students; I’d always assumed it was just me because all I ever saw was the blinding light of my phone screen.
Even though we all love our new phone-free lifestyles, it can be hard to know what to do with ourselves after having spent most of our lives up to this point staring at our phones. Thankfully, the school has graciously allowed us to use our laptops at all times so they can continue assigning us enough homework that it’s necessary to work during our supposed free time. If you don’t want to work, there are plenty of other options for fun without phones. For example, you can use your laptop for the exact same things you used to do on your phone, just in a more inconvenient way. That’s the true genius of this policy: it doesn’t actually change anything.
I’ve discovered one highly entertaining idea that never even occurred to me before these changes: conversing with my peers. All you have to do is state your opinion on any topic and then listen as the other people state their opinions. After the initial round of thoughts, feel free to comment on what the other people have said; perhaps you could even add some humor. It may sound boring, but trust me, conversation can bring all kinds of delight. Frankly, it surprises me that nobody ever did this before the cell phone policy was changed. My heartfelt gratitude goes to the school’s administration for allowing me to talk to my friends.
Not only does the new policy allow for great new hobbies, but it also prevents certain objectionable activities. No longer can anyone create an unapproved Potomac social media account during school hours. Unmonitored accounts have long been the scourge of every student, causing irreparable damage to the school’s image. The new policy also prevents students from using their phones for photography, discouraging anyone from doing a dastardly Hoco ask because they can no longer be filmed or photographed.
One has to wonder how anyone could have come up with such a creative and nuanced solution to the terrible problem of cell phone usage. We’re all very lucky that the administrators realized that the constant hum of conversation in the halls just outside of the admin suite was not, in fact, from students talking but actually from students using their phones. Nowadays, while noise levels remain at the same level as last year, students are actually talking to each other more.
I could not be more happy with all the new restrictions. To me, it’s closer to a holy text than a set of rules (does this mean it deserves its own assembly?), and I intend to lead my life according to its words going forward.
