A quarantine guide to sports

Damien Kaner-Batetti, Staff Writer

As the coronavirus epidemic rages, sporting events across the globe have been halted leaving sports fans worldwide longing for entertainment. What’s more, social distancing requirements ask that people stay at least 6 feet apart (luckily Potomac’s defense has been practicing that the whole year, especially against Flint Hill receivers). So what’s a Panthers fan to do without sports? Fear not! We at The Current have got you covered, with a list of exciting sports to watch and play, all in the comfort of your very own home. 

Sports to Play

  • Stair Crawling

Miss the great outdoors? Get back into the spirit of nature with Stair Crawling! Simply find a set of stairs (preferably carpeted), close your eyes, and imagine you’re rock climbing! And as a bonus, a harness and protective equipment are not required.

  • Floor Skating

Have a wooden or tile floor? Put on a pair of socks, and you can skate the day away. You can use a chair, a broom, and a bottle cap to play hockey, or you can attempt a triple axel and hit your head on the ceiling. Miracles on the ice await!

  • Sleeping

The ultimate endurance event, competed in by every human being on Earth. Who can sleep deeper? Who can last longer? Challenge your friends and family to a sleep-off, or set yourself a goal. Can you stay asleep for 24 hours?

  • Netflix Marathon

Another endurance event, this sport sees contestants compete to see who can watch episodes of a TV show in the shortest amount of time, with a focus on limiting bathroom and snack breaks. As a tribute to the original marathon, the finish line is at 26.2 episodes, meaning that professionals typically choose shorter shows, such as The Office or Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

  • Speed-Typing

Do you pride yourself on your ability to respond quickly to DMs? Are you the kind of person who loves to type essay-length texts? Measure your abilities with speed-typing, a fun workout for both your mind and your… hands. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t get carpal tunnel.

  • Going Shopping

For the extreme sports lovers out there, we present the most dangerous sport of all, playable by only the most foolhardy daredevils. To go shopping you must first sprint out your front door, dodging obstacles such as the mailman and the neighbor’s dog. Then you drive to the supermarket, worrying the whole time about catching the virus from that one sweaty man. The event culminates in a rush through the aisles, sanitizing everything you touch and staying six feet apart from everyone else. The best part: it’s free, because the store is sold out of everything you came to get.


Remember: anything can be a sport if you try hard enough.


Sports to Watch

  • Birds

Sure, the Ravens, Cardinals, and Raptors may not be playing, but you can watch their namesakes. Use a pair of binoculars (or just your eyes), find a window, bring a chair, and you’re all set! That pigeon just ate a piece of trash? One point! A crow started to squawk? Two points! A sparrow pooped on your window? Congratulations! You have won the game.

  • Belarusian Premier League

If you are truly desperate, you can watch one of the few leagues that hasn’t been canceled. Watch top-tier teams like FC Torpedo-BelAZ Zhodino and FK Slutsk battle it out under the iron thumb of dictator Alexander Lukashenko. Unsure what team to support? Find out here.

  • The Wind

Is it windy outside now? No? What about now? Yes? Look at that tree. Maybe if you wait a month or two it’ll fall over. That newspaper is moving fast. Maybe it could beat Usain Bolt in a race. Maybe it could beat LeBron one-on-one. Maybe it’s the next Serena Williams. Maybe you won’t go crazy without sports. Maybe.