The real reason why we can’t keep our uniforms —The Current investigation reveals all the answers you’ve been searching for

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A stolen boy’s soccer uniform

Astronaut Barbie

On March 29, athletic director Erica Woda went on a rampage to get all athletic uniforms returned. After 7 passive-aggressive– (well let’s just call it like it is) aggressive emails, Woda is not afraid to take disciplinary action for unreturned uniforms. She is maintaining that (besides socks) “all other uniform articles are the property of Potomac athletics. If students hold on to their apparel, they will face immediate suspension.” 

Makes sense. After all, we don’t want the football team’s impetigo to spread to the whole Upper School community. But besides our precious Nike pros, why can’t we keep our uniforms —especially if we’re returning athletes? 

After a thorough investigation, The Current has a couple of theories cooked up for you that could actually turn out to be the very scary truth. 

 

1. Abercrombie + Fitch Body Spray is a MUST 

We’ve all heard the saying, “Look good, play good.” Well, Potomac could be taking it to the next level with “Smell good” too. Nothing beats smelling like you’ve been drowned in Abercrombie Fitch’s “Fierce” to the point of nausea. Maybe the football players will smell so intoxicating, they’ll blaze right past the defense and actually score. 

 

2. Reuse, Reduce, Recycle 

At Potomac, we’re all about recycling. We have a hunch Potomac might just be reusing the equipment across seasons. There’s even rumors that the Boys lacrosse team was sporting some familiar looking speedos from the winter swim season. 

 

3. @notericawoda’s Ebay exposed 

A suspicious Ebay account recently emerged claiming to have the most coveted  “Limited Edition Potomac collector’s pieces.” Now, we don’t want to jump to conclusions just based on the username, but we did spot some familiar football jerseys (God forbid, the football team loses a piece of their merch!) and Tommy Labreque’s infamous wrestling uniform.

 

Whether you want to smell like Abercrombie washboard abs, save the Earth one Speedo at a time, or snatch the rare Labreque leotard, it’s important to get your uniform back into Woda’s hands. Otherwise, you risk Ms. Woda’s Panther Pride turning to the dark side.