This past Monday, March 29, Ever Given, (the 1,300 ft long turd of a ship that turned the Suez Canal into the world’s longest-known clogged toilet,) was at long last dislodged. Now, If you’ve watched the news in the past few days or —let’s get real— checked your Snapchat Discover page, you probably already knew that. But The Current is proud to bring you an exclusive, live update: Ever Given has now beached in Pimmit Run. The infamous cargo ship was on its way to deliver a bulk-order of small, useless, but admittedly adorable panther stuffed animals to the Potomac School, when it ran aground yesterday, March 31. The blocked waterway has already caused a back-up in international shipping; the school’s order of llama-shaped sugar cookies may be delayed for weeks —it remains unclear how the school will bribe students into taking COVID-tests without them. Senior Eric Lovallo said, “No cookie, no nose-swab from me. It’s that simple.” 

The school attempted a rescue-mission, recruiting the varsity football team to push the boat further downstream. Exhausted from their intense spring break season (record of 1W 2L if you count Flint Hill’s forfeit as a victory) the team’s brute force was not enough. The ship did not budge —not even as much as the two-inch team record for tackling dummies. 

According to upper school head Mr. McLane, Potomac’s senior administration has gone back to the drawing board. “We’re thinking about bringing in the swim team to push the ship from beneath. They’re swimmers, but they’re strong. Like orcas,” he said.

After the two inches of rain yesterday, Pimmit Run is at high tide: the swim team might just be able to pull it off. Otherwise, we’ll have to suffer without panther plushies and llama cookies for a little while longer.