If you like Piña Coladas, you’ll love Mr. Tkach’s spring break stories


Mr. Tkach smiles at the Hard Rock Hotel this past spring break.

After a long day under his umbrella and a pound of his 100 spf waterproof sunscreen, Mr. Tkach heads to the tiki bar to get a virgin piña colada. Mr. Tkach takes a long sip from the hot pink plastic straw and sticks the tiny umbrella in his hat to get into the spirit of the Hard Rock Hotel in Punta Cana. Never having gone to Punta Cana Mr. Tkach proudly reported: “Finally, I feel alive. High school isn’t really the thing, is it? The students can figure it out on their own.” 

Piña colada in one hand hand and sunscreen in the other, Mr. Tkach heads over to the beach to defend his title as the hard rock hotel limbo champion. “Nicholas spends hours every day at beach yoga to stretch and prep his back and legs for the limbo contest” said the hotel’s property manager Sacha Baron Cohen. 

Along with limbo and piña coladas, Mr. Tkach enjoys practicing his opera on the beach early in the morning. One morning, however, a woman heard Mr. Tkach belting out the climax of “Nessun dorma”and approached him with a deal he could not resist: she promised Mr. Tkach that she could make him a famous opera singer in return for a green card marriage. Mr. Tkach immediately proposed, and recounted his vow of true love: “I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes; and moreover I will get thee a green card through marriage.

They made their courtship official only two hours later in the ORO nightclub. Mr. Tkach immediately started sharing his voice with the world. He sang at the Hard Rock hotel that night. The next night he performed in downtown Punta Cana. Only a week later, he had become a sensation and was invited to sing at President Luis Abinader’s house. “Punta Cana should be renamed after Nicolas Tkach, nobody exemplifies the nature of our biggest attraction like Big T” said Dominican Republic president Luis Abinader. 

With his newfound fame, Mr. Tkach decided to test his luck at the Hard Rock casino. “Nicolas Tkach is one of our outrageous visitors, last night he bet his house mortgage on a table of blackjack” said the casino dealer. After his winnings at the Punta Casino, Mr. Tkach will not be returning to Potomac because he is set for life. Through the pain of his sunburn, he says: “I can proudly say that I will retire before the age of 35. I came, I sang, I conquered.” 

Mr. Tkach and his wife have purchased a pirate ship and plan to travel around the world for his opera career until she receives her green card.