Potomac football makes history with victory over rival

The Decapitated Llama

The Current is glad to report a historic day for the Potomac Football program. For the first time in the proud history of our great team, we have beaten Flint Hill. There were many that said it could never be done, but with enough hard work, dedication, and Covid tests, Potomac achieved this historic milestone. 

“I never dreamed that I would achieve this level of success anywhere outside a math classroom. This is the greatest day of my life,” senior and former backup quarterback Chris Joe said.

“When Nick Saban saw me almost catch a pass against Flint Hill, he immediately offered me a scholarship. He told me ‘I’ve never seen a Potomac receiver come that close to success before,” said Junior wide receiver DJ Washington, who, according to his athletics bag and Instagram, is being recruited by top football programs such as UNC, Duke, and USC.

The historical significance of this event is not lost on the students who heard the news. “Those guys fought like gladiators out there today. Truly inspirational,” senior Obinna Chuke said.

The Flint Hill football team actually all fell victim to the coronavirus before the game, meaning the Huskies forfeited and the game was not actually played. 

“This win is a testament to our hustle and heart.” assistant coach and “teacher” Michael Hyde said.

When asked if this unprecedented success meant Potomac would actually have a chance to win the MAC championship next year, Coach Hyde at first chuckled, then started shaking with laughter. When I left his room he was crying on the ground in the fetal position. I think he’s fine. 

The win will also have profound effects on Potomac student life, especially for underclassmen. “It’s actually a bit of a problem, freshmen now haven’t seen their school play Flint Hill, so they had way too much school spirit. It’s disheartening for the rest of us, who know the dark truth,” Dean of student life Jake Westermann said. 

On account of this record breaking performance from the Potomac Football team, the administration and the athletics department has decided to invest another $100,000 on crucial equipment such as new shoelaces, which Potomac believes will put our program into regular contention with Flint Hill.